Our social worker sent us an email on Friday asking that we go ahead and send in our Visa applications to the Frank Foundation in Washington, DC. No travel dates yet, but this way we will be prepared when we receive them. So, yesterday evening J and I sat down and completed the applications. As far as adoption paperwork goes, these forms were easy. The only issue that we had was that they require the form to be completed in all CAPITAL letters. I have no idea why.
I ran the completed forms over to FedEx at lunch. Well, that is one more thing to check off of the list. Unfortunately, the list keeps growing everyday!
Monday, April 25, 2005
Friday, April 15, 2005
Some good news today...
Well, maybe today isn't so crappy after all. I just received this email from our social worker as a follow up to our phone conversation this morning:
C,
Your dossier is finally with the Minister of Foreign Affairs. Hopefully we will have travel dates soon.
Have a good weekend.
Praise the Lord, finally some good news! Now we wait to receive our official Letter of Invitation (LOI) from the Kazakhstan government. We are on the home stretch now and I can't wait to cross the finish line holding our son!!
C,
Your dossier is finally with the Minister of Foreign Affairs. Hopefully we will have travel dates soon.
Have a good weekend.
Praise the Lord, finally some good news! Now we wait to receive our official Letter of Invitation (LOI) from the Kazakhstan government. We are on the home stretch now and I can't wait to cross the finish line holding our son!!
Crappy Anniversary...
It was one year ago today that we received our final BFN (Big Fat Negative) from our final IVF cycle. It marked an end to our years struggling with infertility. As painful as it was, it was not as hard to accept as our first BFN in August 2003. I guess that J and I were not as naïve, so we were somewhat prepared/expecting a negative result. Especially considering how horrible our embryo transfer went. It took over an hour because my cervix kept folding over on itself and the Dr. was unable to get the catheter into the miniscule opening. Typically this procedure takes about 5 minutes.
By the end of the cycle J and I had basically decided that if this cycle did not result in a pregnancy, then we were ready to get off of the IVF train. Following our post cycle consultation with Dr. G we were still ready to leave IVF behind us, even though he seemed to feel that if we tried again and added a cervical dilation to the menu we may increase our odds of success. J and I were tired of being disappointed and so we started really looking at other options.
A little over a month later we were sitting in the conference room of our soon-to-be adoption agency listening to their pitch about Russian and Kazakhstan adoptions. I foolishly thought that by the time we hit April 15, 2005 we would have our baby home with us. Truthfully, if things in Russia had remained the same, we likely would have been home by now and on to the next phase of our lives. However, if things had remained the same with the Russian program, then we would not have taken the leap of faith to change to Kazakhstan and ultimately found our son.
I can’t wait to see where we are on April 15, 2006. I pray that J, Sherman and I are chasing a little 25 month old around the house! Only time will tell.
By the end of the cycle J and I had basically decided that if this cycle did not result in a pregnancy, then we were ready to get off of the IVF train. Following our post cycle consultation with Dr. G we were still ready to leave IVF behind us, even though he seemed to feel that if we tried again and added a cervical dilation to the menu we may increase our odds of success. J and I were tired of being disappointed and so we started really looking at other options.
A little over a month later we were sitting in the conference room of our soon-to-be adoption agency listening to their pitch about Russian and Kazakhstan adoptions. I foolishly thought that by the time we hit April 15, 2005 we would have our baby home with us. Truthfully, if things in Russia had remained the same, we likely would have been home by now and on to the next phase of our lives. However, if things had remained the same with the Russian program, then we would not have taken the leap of faith to change to Kazakhstan and ultimately found our son.
I can’t wait to see where we are on April 15, 2006. I pray that J, Sherman and I are chasing a little 25 month old around the house! Only time will tell.
Thursday, April 14, 2005
Scared Shitless...
Pardon my language, but honestly there is no other way to say it. I am scared out of my mind about becoming a Mom. I keep this fear deep down and under wraps most of the time. However, as J and I were about to drift off to sleep a few nights ago he said something to me that brought this fear racing to the forefront of my mind. He said “I am concerned that once we get [our son] home, we will be so grateful to have him that we will let him get away with anything and everything. I’m afraid that we won’t set limits on him because we are just so darn happy that we have him with us at long last.” I must admit, this is one of my fears as well.
When we first bring our little guy home we know that we will want to give him everything that his little heart desires. Plus we need to be certain that we are facilitating the “bonding process” by meeting all of his needs and just loving the heck out of him. However, once we have established a strong loving bond as mother/father and child we need to start letting him know that there are limits and they need to be followed. I’m afraid that this is the step that we may miss.
When I think about J and I being parents, I never, not even for a single moment, worry about how loved our son will be or about him being happy and well cared for. Perhaps I am just naïve, but I feel like J and I have the love/happiness thing down. I mean look at Sherman! If ever there was a dog that was loved and happy…it is Sherman. So my fears mainly focus on raising our son to be a well adjusted and productive adult.
The few times that I have opened up and shared this fear (of being a failure as a parent) the person that I was talking to just says “Oh, you and J will be great parents! Just let your instincts guide you and you will be fine.” It’s always nice to hear this of course, but it does little to calm my fears.
I know that in many ways I will follow in my parent’s footsteps. After all, I think they did a pretty good job with me and my sister. We are both well adjusted, productive (well, some days more than others) adults. Both of us were pretty good kids that kept our noses clean. We had our scrapes along the way (who doesn’t?) but, overall we were good kids.
For me it is the weight of the responsibility that we are undertaking that is so scary. J and I will be responsible for this little person. We will play a large role in shaping them. I don’t mean that I want a little carbon copy of J or myself running around, but I do want him to enjoy life and grow into a confident and competent adult.
I’m also anxious about attachment issues. Our little one will likely be 15 months old when we meet him and bring him home. He has lived in the Baby House since April 7, 2004. He was only three weeks old when he arrived there from the hospital. He knows nothing of a “normal” family life. From the reading that I have done about the Baby House in Ust-Kamenogorsk, he is in good hands, but they are not my hands!
My worries about his attachment to us is one of those issues that I likely will not be able to move beyond until I have our son with me and we are living our lives together. I have some books on attachment that I am planning to read before we travel, but again there is really nothing that I can do with this worry until I know what we are dealing with here.
This is one of the numerous areas that I need to surrender to God. My worrying about it is not doing me or our son one bit of good. I have been praying for a while now that God has given our little guy good attachment to his caregivers. He has been so faithful to us throughout this process answering prayer after prayer. Why do I insist on putting Him and His abilities in a box with human limitations? He is not human and therefore is not limited the way that I am. I have so much more maturing to do in my faith.
When we first bring our little guy home we know that we will want to give him everything that his little heart desires. Plus we need to be certain that we are facilitating the “bonding process” by meeting all of his needs and just loving the heck out of him. However, once we have established a strong loving bond as mother/father and child we need to start letting him know that there are limits and they need to be followed. I’m afraid that this is the step that we may miss.
When I think about J and I being parents, I never, not even for a single moment, worry about how loved our son will be or about him being happy and well cared for. Perhaps I am just naïve, but I feel like J and I have the love/happiness thing down. I mean look at Sherman! If ever there was a dog that was loved and happy…it is Sherman. So my fears mainly focus on raising our son to be a well adjusted and productive adult.
The few times that I have opened up and shared this fear (of being a failure as a parent) the person that I was talking to just says “Oh, you and J will be great parents! Just let your instincts guide you and you will be fine.” It’s always nice to hear this of course, but it does little to calm my fears.
I know that in many ways I will follow in my parent’s footsteps. After all, I think they did a pretty good job with me and my sister. We are both well adjusted, productive (well, some days more than others) adults. Both of us were pretty good kids that kept our noses clean. We had our scrapes along the way (who doesn’t?) but, overall we were good kids.
For me it is the weight of the responsibility that we are undertaking that is so scary. J and I will be responsible for this little person. We will play a large role in shaping them. I don’t mean that I want a little carbon copy of J or myself running around, but I do want him to enjoy life and grow into a confident and competent adult.
I’m also anxious about attachment issues. Our little one will likely be 15 months old when we meet him and bring him home. He has lived in the Baby House since April 7, 2004. He was only three weeks old when he arrived there from the hospital. He knows nothing of a “normal” family life. From the reading that I have done about the Baby House in Ust-Kamenogorsk, he is in good hands, but they are not my hands!
My worries about his attachment to us is one of those issues that I likely will not be able to move beyond until I have our son with me and we are living our lives together. I have some books on attachment that I am planning to read before we travel, but again there is really nothing that I can do with this worry until I know what we are dealing with here.
This is one of the numerous areas that I need to surrender to God. My worrying about it is not doing me or our son one bit of good. I have been praying for a while now that God has given our little guy good attachment to his caregivers. He has been so faithful to us throughout this process answering prayer after prayer. Why do I insist on putting Him and His abilities in a box with human limitations? He is not human and therefore is not limited the way that I am. I have so much more maturing to do in my faith.
Monday, April 11, 2005
Quiet...
Nothing to say really. No new news from our agency. I haven't asked either. I am having a hard enough time right now waiting without hearing "Your dossier hasn't moved...sorry!"
Maybe this week will bring some good news our way. Here's hoping!
Maybe this week will bring some good news our way. Here's hoping!
Saturday, April 02, 2005
Showered...
Well, today was my Baby Shower. It was wonderful and I enjoyed every single second of it. It was so uplifting for me to be surrounded by people that love me and are SO excited about the little angel that we are waiting to bring home. It wasn’t a large crowd, and that was just fine with me. There were about 15 to 20 people there, and that was plenty of folks in my opinion. I tend to clam up in large crowds and when you are the "guest of honor" that is not a good thing.
I arrived right before 11 this morning and found my sister’s house all decked out in gorgeous flowers with bug accents everywhere. Our nursery theme is bugs, so this was right in line with that theme. The hostesses showed me all around the house and highlighted the wonderful little touches that they had thought of. One of my favorites was the silver baby cup filled with white roses, my favorite flower. Then they showed me the cake. Oh my gosh, the cake! A coworker, who dabbles in wedding cakes on the side, made it for the party and it was SO cute! She had taken a sample piece of the border that we are planning on using in the nursery and made the cake look just like the border, including 3D marzipan bugs!! I was stunned to say the least. She made a pound cake, one of my favorites, and it tasted as good as it looked.
We played a couple of games (name that nursery rhyme and baby bingo) and they were actually very entertaining. At that point my sister and I decided it would be a good time to show everyone the video of our little man to be. My sister made a little announcement explaining that he was only two months old in the video, and that by the time we get him home, he will be between 14 and 15 months. Everyone gathered around the television to get a peek at my son. It was wonderful. Hearing the "experienced Mom’s" talk about how fantastic it was that he was holding up his head so well at that age and that his development looked fabulous was so thrilling for me. I just sat there and beamed. I was so proud of him; I could hardly stand it! They all thought he was so cute (of course) and loved his little sneeze. It was the best three minutes of the whole party.
Then I opened the gifts that people had brought. People are so overwhelmingly kind and generous. Once I was finished opening all of "the stuff" I said a few words to the group as a whole. I, of course, thanked them for coming and for the thoughtful gifts and cards that they had brought. However, the main thing that I wanted to thank them all for was their prayers. Without them we would be lost. This whole process has been tough, but without faith, it would be impossible. The Lord has brought us to this point, and He will see us through the rest of it as well.
As people were leaving many whispered in my ear that they would continue to pray for our son and us. I assured them that that was the greatest gift of all and I meant it with all of my heart.
Today was a very good day.
I arrived right before 11 this morning and found my sister’s house all decked out in gorgeous flowers with bug accents everywhere. Our nursery theme is bugs, so this was right in line with that theme. The hostesses showed me all around the house and highlighted the wonderful little touches that they had thought of. One of my favorites was the silver baby cup filled with white roses, my favorite flower. Then they showed me the cake. Oh my gosh, the cake! A coworker, who dabbles in wedding cakes on the side, made it for the party and it was SO cute! She had taken a sample piece of the border that we are planning on using in the nursery and made the cake look just like the border, including 3D marzipan bugs!! I was stunned to say the least. She made a pound cake, one of my favorites, and it tasted as good as it looked.
We played a couple of games (name that nursery rhyme and baby bingo) and they were actually very entertaining. At that point my sister and I decided it would be a good time to show everyone the video of our little man to be. My sister made a little announcement explaining that he was only two months old in the video, and that by the time we get him home, he will be between 14 and 15 months. Everyone gathered around the television to get a peek at my son. It was wonderful. Hearing the "experienced Mom’s" talk about how fantastic it was that he was holding up his head so well at that age and that his development looked fabulous was so thrilling for me. I just sat there and beamed. I was so proud of him; I could hardly stand it! They all thought he was so cute (of course) and loved his little sneeze. It was the best three minutes of the whole party.
Then I opened the gifts that people had brought. People are so overwhelmingly kind and generous. Once I was finished opening all of "the stuff" I said a few words to the group as a whole. I, of course, thanked them for coming and for the thoughtful gifts and cards that they had brought. However, the main thing that I wanted to thank them all for was their prayers. Without them we would be lost. This whole process has been tough, but without faith, it would be impossible. The Lord has brought us to this point, and He will see us through the rest of it as well.
As people were leaving many whispered in my ear that they would continue to pray for our son and us. I assured them that that was the greatest gift of all and I meant it with all of my heart.
Today was a very good day.
Friday, April 01, 2005
Update...
I called our SW this morning for an update on the status of our dossier. I also asked her if it would be possible for another family that is using our agency to take a current picture of our little guy. We would like to know what he looks like now since the video that we have is from when he was just two months old. Here is her less than exciting response:
C
I just spoke to S and she said that we can’t get another family to take a picture. They won’t allow it. I’m sorry! Your dossier is still at the embassy so S isn’t able to estimate travel yet (since your dossier still needs to go to the Minister of Foreign Affairs). All she can tell me is May or June.
I am sorry that I don’t have more of an update. Thanks for checking in and I hope that all is going well.
Have a good weekend.
This email has done nothing but depress me. J and I are going to dinner tonight to (finally) celebrate the news of our soon to be son. When we started the adoption process last August we vowed that we would celebrate the steps along the way. During our struggle with IF we never celebrated because we were always saving the celebration for when we found out we were pregnant. We never got to have that celebration. So with adoption we decided that it was important to celebrate the milestones along the way and not just “Gotcha Day”. Unfortunately, this news does not make me want to celebrate very much. It’s still early, and I have plenty of time to get out of this funk. Plus, tomorrow my friends and family are throwing me a Baby Shower. I think the best thing to do for tonight and tomorrow is to just focus on the positives of the situation. I need to remember that we have a son and that he is healthy and, from what I have researched about his region, is well cared for and loved. We will travel to meet him in the near future and most importantly, he will be our son forever!
I just need to keep my eye on moving forward, one mile at a time.
C
I just spoke to S and she said that we can’t get another family to take a picture. They won’t allow it. I’m sorry! Your dossier is still at the embassy so S isn’t able to estimate travel yet (since your dossier still needs to go to the Minister of Foreign Affairs). All she can tell me is May or June.
I am sorry that I don’t have more of an update. Thanks for checking in and I hope that all is going well.
Have a good weekend.
This email has done nothing but depress me. J and I are going to dinner tonight to (finally) celebrate the news of our soon to be son. When we started the adoption process last August we vowed that we would celebrate the steps along the way. During our struggle with IF we never celebrated because we were always saving the celebration for when we found out we were pregnant. We never got to have that celebration. So with adoption we decided that it was important to celebrate the milestones along the way and not just “Gotcha Day”. Unfortunately, this news does not make me want to celebrate very much. It’s still early, and I have plenty of time to get out of this funk. Plus, tomorrow my friends and family are throwing me a Baby Shower. I think the best thing to do for tonight and tomorrow is to just focus on the positives of the situation. I need to remember that we have a son and that he is healthy and, from what I have researched about his region, is well cared for and loved. We will travel to meet him in the near future and most importantly, he will be our son forever!
I just need to keep my eye on moving forward, one mile at a time.
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