Pardon my language, but honestly there is no other way to say it. I am scared out of my mind about becoming a Mom. I keep this fear deep down and under wraps most of the time. However, as J and I were about to drift off to sleep a few nights ago he said something to me that brought this fear racing to the forefront of my mind. He said “I am concerned that once we get [our son] home, we will be so grateful to have him that we will let him get away with anything and everything. I’m afraid that we won’t set limits on him because we are just so darn happy that we have him with us at long last.” I must admit, this is one of my fears as well.
When we first bring our little guy home we know that we will want to give him everything that his little heart desires. Plus we need to be certain that we are facilitating the “bonding process” by meeting all of his needs and just loving the heck out of him. However, once we have established a strong loving bond as mother/father and child we need to start letting him know that there are limits and they need to be followed. I’m afraid that this is the step that we may miss.
When I think about J and I being parents, I never, not even for a single moment, worry about how loved our son will be or about him being happy and well cared for. Perhaps I am just naïve, but I feel like J and I have the love/happiness thing down. I mean look at Sherman! If ever there was a dog that was loved and happy…it is Sherman. So my fears mainly focus on raising our son to be a well adjusted and productive adult.
The few times that I have opened up and shared this fear (of being a failure as a parent) the person that I was talking to just says “Oh, you and J will be great parents! Just let your instincts guide you and you will be fine.” It’s always nice to hear this of course, but it does little to calm my fears.
I know that in many ways I will follow in my parent’s footsteps. After all, I think they did a pretty good job with me and my sister. We are both well adjusted, productive (well, some days more than others) adults. Both of us were pretty good kids that kept our noses clean. We had our scrapes along the way (who doesn’t?) but, overall we were good kids.
For me it is the weight of the responsibility that we are undertaking that is so scary. J and I will be responsible for this little person. We will play a large role in shaping them. I don’t mean that I want a little carbon copy of J or myself running around, but I do want him to enjoy life and grow into a confident and competent adult.
I’m also anxious about attachment issues. Our little one will likely be 15 months old when we meet him and bring him home. He has lived in the Baby House since April 7, 2004. He was only three weeks old when he arrived there from the hospital. He knows nothing of a “normal” family life. From the reading that I have done about the Baby House in Ust-Kamenogorsk, he is in good hands, but they are not my hands!
My worries about his attachment to us is one of those issues that I likely will not be able to move beyond until I have our son with me and we are living our lives together. I have some books on attachment that I am planning to read before we travel, but again there is really nothing that I can do with this worry until I know what we are dealing with here.
This is one of the numerous areas that I need to surrender to God. My worrying about it is not doing me or our son one bit of good. I have been praying for a while now that God has given our little guy good attachment to his caregivers. He has been so faithful to us throughout this process answering prayer after prayer. Why do I insist on putting Him and His abilities in a box with human limitations? He is not human and therefore is not limited the way that I am. I have so much more maturing to do in my faith.
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2 comments:
Don't know what else to say except I totally understand!!!
Hello! I got here via another adoption blog... cubbiegirl I think. OMG I can so understand your parenting fears. I am just doing the read everything phase before I can start foster to adopt classes in the fall. And I so get it when people brush off your fears with "oh you'll do fine". Have you read "Post-Adoption Blues"? That is great about parenting expectations.
As for giving him everything... eeps! I DID read (in one of the gazillion places I read so who knows where) that many kids adopted internationally from orphanages become holy terrors cuz the parents want to make up for their impoverished previous lives and never say no. Also I read apparently kids from orphanages have so little that they get totally overwhelmed in north america, and sometimes the best is to give like one toy, or one set of clothes at a time rather than a whole closet full... So they slowly go from nothing to accumulating. I've read lots of blogs and there are many a story of a kid just melting down when there is too much stimulation after an orphanage... too many toys, colours, furniture, people etc. So, that's just a thought, that sort of goes counter to the "we'll give him everything to start with and THEN try to apply limits". I dunno. I am not a parent, but I have a dog, and it's really best to start off as you want to go along, rather than let the dog do everything it wants, and THEN try to change behaviour that was previously permitted.
All that said, I DO bet y'all will do great, esp since your parents did great and you do great with your dog. It is so exciting that you will be going so very soon and have your boy Ivan in your arms! How incredibly wonderful! Congratulations, new Mom and Dad!!!
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