Accepting Nyet...

In order for me to move forward, must I first be able to accept that the answer may be no? Let me explain.

J and I had a very difficult day yesterday. We received a referral for a 20 month old little boy. Our age range has always been "as young as possible" which seems to be a moving target in Russia these days. Our social worker called and explained that she had a potential referral for us, but that he was out of our age range. She asked if we were interested in pursuing the referral? J and I needed to discuss it before we went any further, as 20 months was significantly older than what we have been envisioning.

After a lot of discussion and tears we decided that at this time we are not prepared to accept a child that will likely be 2+ when they arrive home with us. Last night at the dinner table we were discussing what exactly are we prepared to accept? Within that discussion arose a question that has surfaced many times during our years of ttc. Are we prepared to accept that the final answer from God may be that we are not to have children? It isn't the answer that J wants, however he is willing to accept it, should that be God's final answer. Simply put, I am in no way prepared for that answer. In fact, whenever I try to deal with that possibility I can hardly breath.

Over the years, I've tried to deal with that possibility...to accept that it may indeed be where we end up. However, every time I have tried to accept it, I end up an emotional mess. Last spring was the last time I tried to deal with it. I cried on my way to work for two weeks. I can't live like that.

So, here I am again. Wondering if in order for us to move forward, must I accept that this may NOT end in a child for us? Why should I accept something that may not even happen? Why waste all of the energy and emotion on something that may never come to pass? Then again, how much harder will it be for me to accept that answer if it is where we end up?

This is so exhausting.