Friday, May 06, 2005

Some days are harder than others...

It’s been a tough week. As Mother’s Day approaches I find myself feeling more and more down. In years past this "Holiday" has not really brought me down the way it does some people that are dealing with IF. I would often tell myself "Next year you will have your little one too". Most of the time that was enough to get me through and to keep me from being really blue on that special day in May. However, this year when I really feel that this is the last Mother’s Day without our child being with us, I am a mess. I’ve cried every night this week. The pain has been so acute over the past few days and I am allowing myself to be ruled by my fears. I am clinging to my fears and not the Lord and I know it. Yet, I don’t seem to want to stop it.

J has been out of town on business this week, so when I get home from work it is just Sherman and me. Usually I truly enjoy those evenings alone when J is out of town, but not this week. There has been a lot going on at work and I am certain that is part of it. However, there seems to be something else. Fear…not a specific fear, just an overwhelming sense of fear. The weight of it this week has been crushing.

I am really hoping and praying that next week when I contact our Social Worker for an update, she will have some good news for us. J and I need it. Until then though I know that I need to get on my knees and surrender my fears and anxieties. I can’t function this way, and I know that I don’t have to.

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