Our bags are packed and ready to go!!

We are scheduled to leave Thursday June 30, 2005 at 12:40 PM. We will arrive in Almaty, Kazakhstan at approximately 10:15 PM July 1, 2005. J and I are SO excited, we hardly know what to do with ourselves.

I know that the flights will be nothing but exhausting for me and I am really dreading the long haul. The two times that I have been to Europe I was unable to sleep a wink coming or going. I have never been able to sleep while on the move. Even as a child, I never slept in the car. It drove my parents batty when we drove to Florida.

Once we arrive in Almaty we will go through the usual airport whohah and then we will meet our coordinator and driver. At that point I am certain that I will be a walking zombie and I will just be thrilled to be on my way to the airport hotel. We will spend (what's left of) the night at the hotel and then the next day we will board a Soviet jetliner (from the rear I am told) and fly to Ivan's region.

If all goes as planned we will meet Ivan on Monday, July 4, 2005. We will then have 14 straight days of visitation and bonding in the Baby Home. On July 18, 2005 we should have our court appearance. If all goes well in court, we should take custody of Ivan on July 20, 2005 when we fly back to Almaty. Once in Almaty we will check into the Hyatt and spend the next 10 days waiting for all of the final paperwork to be completed. We will have an appointment at the US Embassy, where we will receive all of the paperwork for Ivan's IR-3 visa. This wonderful packet of paperwork is what will allow Ivan to enter the US as a US citizen.

After that, who knows what life will hold for us. A lot of joy and chaos I am sure.

I am not sure if I will be able to update this journal from Kaz. If I can, I certainly will! If not, I'll let you know when we are home and what it was really like while we were there.

TTFN!

What's in a name?

At long last, J and I have given our son a name.

Ivan

We had it narrowed down to two names and then we read something about a Kazak tradition and that settled it for us. Apparently, it is a tradition to name your child for the meaning of the name and not the name itself. Well, Ivan means Precious Gift From God.

Enough said.

WE GOT IT, WE GOT IT!!

We have our Letter of Invitation!! We are supposed to be in Kazakhstan no later than July 1! Oh my gosh, we are really going to get there...and soon!!

Thank you, Lord!!!!

Woo Hoo!

Shwoooo....big sigh of relief over here.

Movin' right along....

Nothing really new to report. As of today we are leaving on the 30th of June. We leave from our home airport here in North Carolina and fly to DC. From DC we fly to Frankfurt and then onto Almaty. We should arrive in Almaty on July 1 at 10:15 PM. We will have flown over 7500 miles by the time we get there, and that is just one half of the trip! I'm tired just thinking about it.

J and I have been very busy over the past couple of weeks. We have started pulling everything together as far as clothes and other necessities and making lots of lists. I have been buying gifts, gifts and more gifts to give to the various people along the way. I have really enjoyed shopping for our little one's caregivers as well as our translator and driver. These are folks that I know that we will truly feel indebted to by the end of our time in Ust-Kamenogorsk. However, there are other folks that I need to have gifts for like the officials that have approved our paperwork along the way etc. These gifts are a lot harder for me to buy. I will likely never meet some of these folks. From what I understand, when J and I arrive in Ust we will hand over the 13 gifts for the "adoption officials" to our coordinator and then we will never see the gifts again. Apparently, while our coordinator is calling on these folks in regards to our adoption, she will present them with a token of our appreciation once the task has been completed. We are not to spend more than $10-15 per person, so it is not anything really nice, but it is hard to know what would be appreciated.

Not to mention that there are severe weight limitations on our luggage once we get to Kazakhstan. Until we arrive each of our bags can weigh up to 70 pounds without overage charges. However, once we enter Kazakhstan and have to travel domestically we will be charged $5 per pound over 40 pounds! So, we are trying to make sure that our bags don't weigh too much over 40 pounds each. This may prove to be very challenging.

Lots to do this week...so no time for cocktails!

WOO HOO!!

We heard from our Social Worker this afternoon...we have tentative travel dates! Here is the proposed schedule...

July 2, 2005 - arrive Almaty, Kazakhstan

July 18, 2005 - Court

July 27, 2005 - leave Almaty for HOME!!!

As with everything, this may change. We still don't have our official "Letter of Invitation" yet, but we have no reason to believe that it won't arrive in time.

Praise the Lord for this wonderful news!! His timing is perfect and I have to continue to believe that He will unite us at just the right time. What wonderful news for an otherwise unremarkable Friday! Thank you Lord!!

Tendrils of Love…

Yesterday, May 28, 2005 my best friend, S, got married. It was a wonderful and overwhelming day filled with love and hope for the happy couple and us. S and C looked so incredibly happy and everyone there was thrilled to see them take this step forward in their lives.

After I had completed my Matron of Honor duties and everyone was enjoying the reception, I was given a real blessing from God. J and I were circulating saying our hellos to everyone and just enjoying ourselves immensely. As I stopped and chatted with various people I noticed over and over people asking me "So, when do you leave?" I always answered "We are hoping for the first of July". Then almost everyone who asked me about our adoption would say, "Well, we are really praying for you all. We can’t wait to meet him as soon as you get home." I was so blown away. Some of these people have known J and me for years and have been pulling for us for a long time now. However, there were many that really don’t know us. People that we have met once or twice but are as interested in our adoption as my own Mom! Many of these interested parties were C’s family that only know us through S and C.

As J and I drove home from the "day after wedding breakfast" this morning I was thinking about all of the folks that are "thinking of and praying for" us and our son. What a wonderful blessing from God…tendrils of love from far and wide. Yet again, He has provided us with so much love and support and in a place and time that has nothing to do with our adoption or us. When we do get our little man home, he will be surrounded by love and care that he won’t even know about.

Thank you Lord, for your perfect provision every time.

Moving to the next phase...and shaking in my shoes

Well, Friday May 20 was my last day at work. I left a job that I have held since July 1999. Practically the whole time that I have been there, J and I have either been ttc, dealing with IF treatments, or pursuing adoption. The fact that I have left my job represents a whole new chapter in our lives and I am a little anxious about the changes. J and I have always planned that I would stay at home with our children, so I am really excited about not having to try and balance a career and a family. However, I am a little nervous about being at home and not yet having our son home.

This weekend has been really wonderful though because I did not have to get all of my usual running around, house cleaning and laundry done in two days. I will have some time during the week to get some things done and that is a wonderful thought. I have quiet a "to do" list before we leave for Kazakhstan (still hoping for an early July departure date), but I feel that with some of the extra time that I will have between now and then, I will get it all done.

I am really looking forward to helping my sister, who is eight and half months pregnant, by looking after my niece, W, a few days a week before she begins her maternity leave in mid June. W is four and such a character. I am really excited about our forethcoming time together and I think that she is too. So, we'll see how that goes.

I am hoping that the next few weeks will allow me some down time before we travel, as I know that I will never really have that again. Being a Mom is a full-time job for life. I am so excited about taking that job, but if I can start out a little rested...all the better by me! I'm still nervous about the coming weeks, but once I dive in and get busy, I don't think that I will really have time to be scared. Let's hope so anyway.

Still Determined...

I have been reading everything and anything that I can get my hands on about this "Visa Issue" that has pushed our travel dates out by a month. It seems that we were going to be a part of the May 26 travel group, until this "Visa Issue" popped up for the May 9 travel group. Normally when there is such an issue the group gets pushed out by a couple of days. However, this time had the group left any later than May 12; their court dates would coincide with the Judge's two week vacation. Some of the folks did not receive their Letter of Invitation until yesterday, so there was no way that a May 12 departure was going to work. So that is why our group has been pushed to July.

J and I are still very disappointed and frustrated. We are mostly frustrated that our agency did not give us any kind of warning about this delay. I know that they knew about it because they are the ones coordinating the former May 9 group. My frustration is with S the Kazak coordinator in DC. She knew that this was an issue, but neglected to inform our Social Worker until after they had told us that we had made it out of the MFA. Not to mention how horribly our Agency Director handled the situation. I cannot even articulate how horrible that conversation was on Tuesday. He was a total putz. I have to let it go and just continue to keep my head down and remain determined to get there. Our son is counting on us.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

This is the latest from our Social Worker...


C,
I am sorry that it has taken me so long to get back to you. I was not able to contact S on Friday and then I was out on Monday. Anyway, S is estimating that travel would be in the beginning of July. It is still a ways off, but it is coming.
I hope this helps. Have a good day!

What? July? All along they have said May or June!! I am devastated.

J and I are calling the agency director this afternoon to see what, if anything, he can do to move our travel dates.

And so, we wait...again.

Update: The call with our agency director was completely fruitless. His consolation was that at least our little one was still avaiable for adoption. The director had just called someone this morning and had to inform them that their referral was no longer available because an Aunt had stepped forward.

Gee, thanks. That really helps me with the wait.

PRAISE!

Praise the Lord!! I just heard from our SW and she said that our dossier is out of the MFA! Now we are just waiting on travel dates. WOO HOO!! Thank you Lord for such a wonderful Mother's Day gift.

We are almost there...

Some days are harder than others...

It’s been a tough week. As Mother’s Day approaches I find myself feeling more and more down. In years past this "Holiday" has not really brought me down the way it does some people that are dealing with IF. I would often tell myself "Next year you will have your little one too". Most of the time that was enough to get me through and to keep me from being really blue on that special day in May. However, this year when I really feel that this is the last Mother’s Day without our child being with us, I am a mess. I’ve cried every night this week. The pain has been so acute over the past few days and I am allowing myself to be ruled by my fears. I am clinging to my fears and not the Lord and I know it. Yet, I don’t seem to want to stop it.

J has been out of town on business this week, so when I get home from work it is just Sherman and me. Usually I truly enjoy those evenings alone when J is out of town, but not this week. There has been a lot going on at work and I am certain that is part of it. However, there seems to be something else. Fear…not a specific fear, just an overwhelming sense of fear. The weight of it this week has been crushing.

I am really hoping and praying that next week when I contact our Social Worker for an update, she will have some good news for us. J and I need it. Until then though I know that I need to get on my knees and surrender my fears and anxieties. I can’t function this way, and I know that I don’t have to.

No new news here...

The latest non-word from our Social Worker:

C
S emailed and states that Kaz is closed for holiday, but that your dossier is still in the MFA-so no travel dates yet-sorry.

Thanks and I will keep checking on travel for you.

His room is ready and so are we...

This weekend J and I went to visit his Mom and Dad. We had a great time and arrived home yesterday revved to finish the nursery. We finished hanging the border and it looks great! Then we hauled the dresser and the bookcase up from the garage where they have resided since J finished staining them last weekend. The furniture stain matches the crib color beautifully and honestly, I could not be more pleased with the outcome.

Next we moved all of the "stuff" from our Baby Shower into the room and started unpacking it all. J and I were like kids in a candy store as we went through everything and imagined our little guy using it all. We opened the new Diaper Champ and got it all ready to go. The diaper stacker even has diapers in it! Now all we need is our little guy home with us. First however, we need travel dates. No word yet on those...hopefully soon. Please Lord, soon.

Visa Applications...CHECK

Our social worker sent us an email on Friday asking that we go ahead and send in our Visa applications to the Frank Foundation in Washington, DC. No travel dates yet, but this way we will be prepared when we receive them. So, yesterday evening J and I sat down and completed the applications. As far as adoption paperwork goes, these forms were easy. The only issue that we had was that they require the form to be completed in all CAPITAL letters. I have no idea why.

I ran the completed forms over to FedEx at lunch. Well, that is one more thing to check off of the list. Unfortunately, the list keeps growing everyday!

Some good news today...

Well, maybe today isn't so crappy after all. I just received this email from our social worker as a follow up to our phone conversation this morning:

C,
Your dossier is finally with the Minister of Foreign Affairs. Hopefully we will have travel dates soon.

Have a good weekend.

Praise the Lord, finally some good news! Now we wait to receive our official Letter of Invitation (LOI) from the Kazakhstan government. We are on the home stretch now and I can't wait to cross the finish line holding our son!!

Crappy Anniversary...

It was one year ago today that we received our final BFN (Big Fat Negative) from our final IVF cycle. It marked an end to our years struggling with infertility. As painful as it was, it was not as hard to accept as our first BFN in August 2003. I guess that J and I were not as naïve, so we were somewhat prepared/expecting a negative result. Especially considering how horrible our embryo transfer went. It took over an hour because my cervix kept folding over on itself and the Dr. was unable to get the catheter into the miniscule opening. Typically this procedure takes about 5 minutes.

By the end of the cycle J and I had basically decided that if this cycle did not result in a pregnancy, then we were ready to get off of the IVF train. Following our post cycle consultation with Dr. G we were still ready to leave IVF behind us, even though he seemed to feel that if we tried again and added a cervical dilation to the menu we may increase our odds of success. J and I were tired of being disappointed and so we started really looking at other options.

A little over a month later we were sitting in the conference room of our soon-to-be adoption agency listening to their pitch about Russian and Kazakhstan adoptions. I foolishly thought that by the time we hit April 15, 2005 we would have our baby home with us. Truthfully, if things in Russia had remained the same, we likely would have been home by now and on to the next phase of our lives. However, if things had remained the same with the Russian program, then we would not have taken the leap of faith to change to Kazakhstan and ultimately found our son.

I can’t wait to see where we are on April 15, 2006. I pray that J, Sherman and I are chasing a little 25 month old around the house! Only time will tell.

Scared Shitless...

Pardon my language, but honestly there is no other way to say it. I am scared out of my mind about becoming a Mom. I keep this fear deep down and under wraps most of the time. However, as J and I were about to drift off to sleep a few nights ago he said something to me that brought this fear racing to the forefront of my mind. He said “I am concerned that once we get [our son] home, we will be so grateful to have him that we will let him get away with anything and everything. I’m afraid that we won’t set limits on him because we are just so darn happy that we have him with us at long last.” I must admit, this is one of my fears as well.

When we first bring our little guy home we know that we will want to give him everything that his little heart desires. Plus we need to be certain that we are facilitating the “bonding process” by meeting all of his needs and just loving the heck out of him. However, once we have established a strong loving bond as mother/father and child we need to start letting him know that there are limits and they need to be followed. I’m afraid that this is the step that we may miss.

When I think about J and I being parents, I never, not even for a single moment, worry about how loved our son will be or about him being happy and well cared for. Perhaps I am just naïve, but I feel like J and I have the love/happiness thing down. I mean look at Sherman! If ever there was a dog that was loved and happy…it is Sherman. So my fears mainly focus on raising our son to be a well adjusted and productive adult.

The few times that I have opened up and shared this fear (of being a failure as a parent) the person that I was talking to just says “Oh, you and J will be great parents! Just let your instincts guide you and you will be fine.” It’s always nice to hear this of course, but it does little to calm my fears.

I know that in many ways I will follow in my parent’s footsteps. After all, I think they did a pretty good job with me and my sister. We are both well adjusted, productive (well, some days more than others) adults. Both of us were pretty good kids that kept our noses clean. We had our scrapes along the way (who doesn’t?) but, overall we were good kids.

For me it is the weight of the responsibility that we are undertaking that is so scary. J and I will be responsible for this little person. We will play a large role in shaping them. I don’t mean that I want a little carbon copy of J or myself running around, but I do want him to enjoy life and grow into a confident and competent adult.

I’m also anxious about attachment issues. Our little one will likely be 15 months old when we meet him and bring him home. He has lived in the Baby House since April 7, 2004. He was only three weeks old when he arrived there from the hospital. He knows nothing of a “normal” family life. From the reading that I have done about the Baby House in Ust-Kamenogorsk, he is in good hands, but they are not my hands!

My worries about his attachment to us is one of those issues that I likely will not be able to move beyond until I have our son with me and we are living our lives together. I have some books on attachment that I am planning to read before we travel, but again there is really nothing that I can do with this worry until I know what we are dealing with here.

This is one of the numerous areas that I need to surrender to God. My worrying about it is not doing me or our son one bit of good. I have been praying for a while now that God has given our little guy good attachment to his caregivers. He has been so faithful to us throughout this process answering prayer after prayer. Why do I insist on putting Him and His abilities in a box with human limitations? He is not human and therefore is not limited the way that I am. I have so much more maturing to do in my faith.

Quiet...

Nothing to say really. No new news from our agency. I haven't asked either. I am having a hard enough time right now waiting without hearing "Your dossier hasn't moved...sorry!"

Maybe this week will bring some good news our way. Here's hoping!

Showered...

Well, today was my Baby Shower. It was wonderful and I enjoyed every single second of it. It was so uplifting for me to be surrounded by people that love me and are SO excited about the little angel that we are waiting to bring home. It wasn’t a large crowd, and that was just fine with me. There were about 15 to 20 people there, and that was plenty of folks in my opinion. I tend to clam up in large crowds and when you are the "guest of honor" that is not a good thing.

I arrived right before 11 this morning and found my sister’s house all decked out in gorgeous flowers with bug accents everywhere. Our nursery theme is bugs, so this was right in line with that theme. The hostesses showed me all around the house and highlighted the wonderful little touches that they had thought of. One of my favorites was the silver baby cup filled with white roses, my favorite flower. Then they showed me the cake. Oh my gosh, the cake! A coworker, who dabbles in wedding cakes on the side, made it for the party and it was SO cute! She had taken a sample piece of the border that we are planning on using in the nursery and made the cake look just like the border, including 3D marzipan bugs!! I was stunned to say the least. She made a pound cake, one of my favorites, and it tasted as good as it looked.

We played a couple of games (name that nursery rhyme and baby bingo) and they were actually very entertaining. At that point my sister and I decided it would be a good time to show everyone the video of our little man to be. My sister made a little announcement explaining that he was only two months old in the video, and that by the time we get him home, he will be between 14 and 15 months. Everyone gathered around the television to get a peek at my son. It was wonderful. Hearing the "experienced Mom’s" talk about how fantastic it was that he was holding up his head so well at that age and that his development looked fabulous was so thrilling for me. I just sat there and beamed. I was so proud of him; I could hardly stand it! They all thought he was so cute (of course) and loved his little sneeze. It was the best three minutes of the whole party.

Then I opened the gifts that people had brought. People are so overwhelmingly kind and generous. Once I was finished opening all of "the stuff" I said a few words to the group as a whole. I, of course, thanked them for coming and for the thoughtful gifts and cards that they had brought. However, the main thing that I wanted to thank them all for was their prayers. Without them we would be lost. This whole process has been tough, but without faith, it would be impossible. The Lord has brought us to this point, and He will see us through the rest of it as well.

As people were leaving many whispered in my ear that they would continue to pray for our son and us. I assured them that that was the greatest gift of all and I meant it with all of my heart.

Today was a very good day.

Update...

I called our SW this morning for an update on the status of our dossier. I also asked her if it would be possible for another family that is using our agency to take a current picture of our little guy. We would like to know what he looks like now since the video that we have is from when he was just two months old. Here is her less than exciting response:

C
I just spoke to S and she said that we can’t get another family to take a picture. They won’t allow it. I’m sorry! Your dossier is still at the embassy so S isn’t able to estimate travel yet (since your dossier still needs to go to the Minister of Foreign Affairs). All she can tell me is May or June.

I am sorry that I don’t have more of an update. Thanks for checking in and I hope that all is going well.

Have a good weekend.

This email has done nothing but depress me. J and I are going to dinner tonight to (finally) celebrate the news of our soon to be son. When we started the adoption process last August we vowed that we would celebrate the steps along the way. During our struggle with IF we never celebrated because we were always saving the celebration for when we found out we were pregnant. We never got to have that celebration. So with adoption we decided that it was important to celebrate the milestones along the way and not just “Gotcha Day”. Unfortunately, this news does not make me want to celebrate very much. It’s still early, and I have plenty of time to get out of this funk. Plus, tomorrow my friends and family are throwing me a Baby Shower. I think the best thing to do for tonight and tomorrow is to just focus on the positives of the situation. I need to remember that we have a son and that he is healthy and, from what I have researched about his region, is well cared for and loved. We will travel to meet him in the near future and most importantly, he will be our son forever!

I just need to keep my eye on moving forward, one mile at a time.