Still Determined...

I have been reading everything and anything that I can get my hands on about this "Visa Issue" that has pushed our travel dates out by a month. It seems that we were going to be a part of the May 26 travel group, until this "Visa Issue" popped up for the May 9 travel group. Normally when there is such an issue the group gets pushed out by a couple of days. However, this time had the group left any later than May 12; their court dates would coincide with the Judge's two week vacation. Some of the folks did not receive their Letter of Invitation until yesterday, so there was no way that a May 12 departure was going to work. So that is why our group has been pushed to July.

J and I are still very disappointed and frustrated. We are mostly frustrated that our agency did not give us any kind of warning about this delay. I know that they knew about it because they are the ones coordinating the former May 9 group. My frustration is with S the Kazak coordinator in DC. She knew that this was an issue, but neglected to inform our Social Worker until after they had told us that we had made it out of the MFA. Not to mention how horribly our Agency Director handled the situation. I cannot even articulate how horrible that conversation was on Tuesday. He was a total putz. I have to let it go and just continue to keep my head down and remain determined to get there. Our son is counting on us.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

This is the latest from our Social Worker...


C,
I am sorry that it has taken me so long to get back to you. I was not able to contact S on Friday and then I was out on Monday. Anyway, S is estimating that travel would be in the beginning of July. It is still a ways off, but it is coming.
I hope this helps. Have a good day!

What? July? All along they have said May or June!! I am devastated.

J and I are calling the agency director this afternoon to see what, if anything, he can do to move our travel dates.

And so, we wait...again.

Update: The call with our agency director was completely fruitless. His consolation was that at least our little one was still avaiable for adoption. The director had just called someone this morning and had to inform them that their referral was no longer available because an Aunt had stepped forward.

Gee, thanks. That really helps me with the wait.

PRAISE!

Praise the Lord!! I just heard from our SW and she said that our dossier is out of the MFA! Now we are just waiting on travel dates. WOO HOO!! Thank you Lord for such a wonderful Mother's Day gift.

We are almost there...

Some days are harder than others...

It’s been a tough week. As Mother’s Day approaches I find myself feeling more and more down. In years past this "Holiday" has not really brought me down the way it does some people that are dealing with IF. I would often tell myself "Next year you will have your little one too". Most of the time that was enough to get me through and to keep me from being really blue on that special day in May. However, this year when I really feel that this is the last Mother’s Day without our child being with us, I am a mess. I’ve cried every night this week. The pain has been so acute over the past few days and I am allowing myself to be ruled by my fears. I am clinging to my fears and not the Lord and I know it. Yet, I don’t seem to want to stop it.

J has been out of town on business this week, so when I get home from work it is just Sherman and me. Usually I truly enjoy those evenings alone when J is out of town, but not this week. There has been a lot going on at work and I am certain that is part of it. However, there seems to be something else. Fear…not a specific fear, just an overwhelming sense of fear. The weight of it this week has been crushing.

I am really hoping and praying that next week when I contact our Social Worker for an update, she will have some good news for us. J and I need it. Until then though I know that I need to get on my knees and surrender my fears and anxieties. I can’t function this way, and I know that I don’t have to.

No new news here...

The latest non-word from our Social Worker:

C
S emailed and states that Kaz is closed for holiday, but that your dossier is still in the MFA-so no travel dates yet-sorry.

Thanks and I will keep checking on travel for you.

His room is ready and so are we...

This weekend J and I went to visit his Mom and Dad. We had a great time and arrived home yesterday revved to finish the nursery. We finished hanging the border and it looks great! Then we hauled the dresser and the bookcase up from the garage where they have resided since J finished staining them last weekend. The furniture stain matches the crib color beautifully and honestly, I could not be more pleased with the outcome.

Next we moved all of the "stuff" from our Baby Shower into the room and started unpacking it all. J and I were like kids in a candy store as we went through everything and imagined our little guy using it all. We opened the new Diaper Champ and got it all ready to go. The diaper stacker even has diapers in it! Now all we need is our little guy home with us. First however, we need travel dates. No word yet on those...hopefully soon. Please Lord, soon.

Visa Applications...CHECK

Our social worker sent us an email on Friday asking that we go ahead and send in our Visa applications to the Frank Foundation in Washington, DC. No travel dates yet, but this way we will be prepared when we receive them. So, yesterday evening J and I sat down and completed the applications. As far as adoption paperwork goes, these forms were easy. The only issue that we had was that they require the form to be completed in all CAPITAL letters. I have no idea why.

I ran the completed forms over to FedEx at lunch. Well, that is one more thing to check off of the list. Unfortunately, the list keeps growing everyday!

Some good news today...

Well, maybe today isn't so crappy after all. I just received this email from our social worker as a follow up to our phone conversation this morning:

C,
Your dossier is finally with the Minister of Foreign Affairs. Hopefully we will have travel dates soon.

Have a good weekend.

Praise the Lord, finally some good news! Now we wait to receive our official Letter of Invitation (LOI) from the Kazakhstan government. We are on the home stretch now and I can't wait to cross the finish line holding our son!!

Crappy Anniversary...

It was one year ago today that we received our final BFN (Big Fat Negative) from our final IVF cycle. It marked an end to our years struggling with infertility. As painful as it was, it was not as hard to accept as our first BFN in August 2003. I guess that J and I were not as naïve, so we were somewhat prepared/expecting a negative result. Especially considering how horrible our embryo transfer went. It took over an hour because my cervix kept folding over on itself and the Dr. was unable to get the catheter into the miniscule opening. Typically this procedure takes about 5 minutes.

By the end of the cycle J and I had basically decided that if this cycle did not result in a pregnancy, then we were ready to get off of the IVF train. Following our post cycle consultation with Dr. G we were still ready to leave IVF behind us, even though he seemed to feel that if we tried again and added a cervical dilation to the menu we may increase our odds of success. J and I were tired of being disappointed and so we started really looking at other options.

A little over a month later we were sitting in the conference room of our soon-to-be adoption agency listening to their pitch about Russian and Kazakhstan adoptions. I foolishly thought that by the time we hit April 15, 2005 we would have our baby home with us. Truthfully, if things in Russia had remained the same, we likely would have been home by now and on to the next phase of our lives. However, if things had remained the same with the Russian program, then we would not have taken the leap of faith to change to Kazakhstan and ultimately found our son.

I can’t wait to see where we are on April 15, 2006. I pray that J, Sherman and I are chasing a little 25 month old around the house! Only time will tell.

Scared Shitless...

Pardon my language, but honestly there is no other way to say it. I am scared out of my mind about becoming a Mom. I keep this fear deep down and under wraps most of the time. However, as J and I were about to drift off to sleep a few nights ago he said something to me that brought this fear racing to the forefront of my mind. He said “I am concerned that once we get [our son] home, we will be so grateful to have him that we will let him get away with anything and everything. I’m afraid that we won’t set limits on him because we are just so darn happy that we have him with us at long last.” I must admit, this is one of my fears as well.

When we first bring our little guy home we know that we will want to give him everything that his little heart desires. Plus we need to be certain that we are facilitating the “bonding process” by meeting all of his needs and just loving the heck out of him. However, once we have established a strong loving bond as mother/father and child we need to start letting him know that there are limits and they need to be followed. I’m afraid that this is the step that we may miss.

When I think about J and I being parents, I never, not even for a single moment, worry about how loved our son will be or about him being happy and well cared for. Perhaps I am just naïve, but I feel like J and I have the love/happiness thing down. I mean look at Sherman! If ever there was a dog that was loved and happy…it is Sherman. So my fears mainly focus on raising our son to be a well adjusted and productive adult.

The few times that I have opened up and shared this fear (of being a failure as a parent) the person that I was talking to just says “Oh, you and J will be great parents! Just let your instincts guide you and you will be fine.” It’s always nice to hear this of course, but it does little to calm my fears.

I know that in many ways I will follow in my parent’s footsteps. After all, I think they did a pretty good job with me and my sister. We are both well adjusted, productive (well, some days more than others) adults. Both of us were pretty good kids that kept our noses clean. We had our scrapes along the way (who doesn’t?) but, overall we were good kids.

For me it is the weight of the responsibility that we are undertaking that is so scary. J and I will be responsible for this little person. We will play a large role in shaping them. I don’t mean that I want a little carbon copy of J or myself running around, but I do want him to enjoy life and grow into a confident and competent adult.

I’m also anxious about attachment issues. Our little one will likely be 15 months old when we meet him and bring him home. He has lived in the Baby House since April 7, 2004. He was only three weeks old when he arrived there from the hospital. He knows nothing of a “normal” family life. From the reading that I have done about the Baby House in Ust-Kamenogorsk, he is in good hands, but they are not my hands!

My worries about his attachment to us is one of those issues that I likely will not be able to move beyond until I have our son with me and we are living our lives together. I have some books on attachment that I am planning to read before we travel, but again there is really nothing that I can do with this worry until I know what we are dealing with here.

This is one of the numerous areas that I need to surrender to God. My worrying about it is not doing me or our son one bit of good. I have been praying for a while now that God has given our little guy good attachment to his caregivers. He has been so faithful to us throughout this process answering prayer after prayer. Why do I insist on putting Him and His abilities in a box with human limitations? He is not human and therefore is not limited the way that I am. I have so much more maturing to do in my faith.

Quiet...

Nothing to say really. No new news from our agency. I haven't asked either. I am having a hard enough time right now waiting without hearing "Your dossier hasn't moved...sorry!"

Maybe this week will bring some good news our way. Here's hoping!

Showered...

Well, today was my Baby Shower. It was wonderful and I enjoyed every single second of it. It was so uplifting for me to be surrounded by people that love me and are SO excited about the little angel that we are waiting to bring home. It wasn’t a large crowd, and that was just fine with me. There were about 15 to 20 people there, and that was plenty of folks in my opinion. I tend to clam up in large crowds and when you are the "guest of honor" that is not a good thing.

I arrived right before 11 this morning and found my sister’s house all decked out in gorgeous flowers with bug accents everywhere. Our nursery theme is bugs, so this was right in line with that theme. The hostesses showed me all around the house and highlighted the wonderful little touches that they had thought of. One of my favorites was the silver baby cup filled with white roses, my favorite flower. Then they showed me the cake. Oh my gosh, the cake! A coworker, who dabbles in wedding cakes on the side, made it for the party and it was SO cute! She had taken a sample piece of the border that we are planning on using in the nursery and made the cake look just like the border, including 3D marzipan bugs!! I was stunned to say the least. She made a pound cake, one of my favorites, and it tasted as good as it looked.

We played a couple of games (name that nursery rhyme and baby bingo) and they were actually very entertaining. At that point my sister and I decided it would be a good time to show everyone the video of our little man to be. My sister made a little announcement explaining that he was only two months old in the video, and that by the time we get him home, he will be between 14 and 15 months. Everyone gathered around the television to get a peek at my son. It was wonderful. Hearing the "experienced Mom’s" talk about how fantastic it was that he was holding up his head so well at that age and that his development looked fabulous was so thrilling for me. I just sat there and beamed. I was so proud of him; I could hardly stand it! They all thought he was so cute (of course) and loved his little sneeze. It was the best three minutes of the whole party.

Then I opened the gifts that people had brought. People are so overwhelmingly kind and generous. Once I was finished opening all of "the stuff" I said a few words to the group as a whole. I, of course, thanked them for coming and for the thoughtful gifts and cards that they had brought. However, the main thing that I wanted to thank them all for was their prayers. Without them we would be lost. This whole process has been tough, but without faith, it would be impossible. The Lord has brought us to this point, and He will see us through the rest of it as well.

As people were leaving many whispered in my ear that they would continue to pray for our son and us. I assured them that that was the greatest gift of all and I meant it with all of my heart.

Today was a very good day.

Update...

I called our SW this morning for an update on the status of our dossier. I also asked her if it would be possible for another family that is using our agency to take a current picture of our little guy. We would like to know what he looks like now since the video that we have is from when he was just two months old. Here is her less than exciting response:

C
I just spoke to S and she said that we can’t get another family to take a picture. They won’t allow it. I’m sorry! Your dossier is still at the embassy so S isn’t able to estimate travel yet (since your dossier still needs to go to the Minister of Foreign Affairs). All she can tell me is May or June.

I am sorry that I don’t have more of an update. Thanks for checking in and I hope that all is going well.

Have a good weekend.

This email has done nothing but depress me. J and I are going to dinner tonight to (finally) celebrate the news of our soon to be son. When we started the adoption process last August we vowed that we would celebrate the steps along the way. During our struggle with IF we never celebrated because we were always saving the celebration for when we found out we were pregnant. We never got to have that celebration. So with adoption we decided that it was important to celebrate the milestones along the way and not just “Gotcha Day”. Unfortunately, this news does not make me want to celebrate very much. It’s still early, and I have plenty of time to get out of this funk. Plus, tomorrow my friends and family are throwing me a Baby Shower. I think the best thing to do for tonight and tomorrow is to just focus on the positives of the situation. I need to remember that we have a son and that he is healthy and, from what I have researched about his region, is well cared for and loved. We will travel to meet him in the near future and most importantly, he will be our son forever!

I just need to keep my eye on moving forward, one mile at a time.

I wonder...

Now that I know who our soon to be son is, I often wonder what he is up to throughout the day. He is 10 hours ahead of us, so most times when I am daydreaming about him and his activities, he is in fact sleeping.

I wonder what his schedule is like. Does he get up and immediately get to have breakfast? Or does he have a quiet play time while his caregivers prepare breakfast and get everyone up and ready to start the day? What does he do at play time? Does he like naps or does he just lie there quietly while others sleep? Does he have a “Kaz Mama” in one of his care givers?

Now that he is one, I wonder what they are feeding him. Does he still use a bottle…doubtful from what I have read of others experience’s. The most current measurements we have were taken on February 18 and showed that his head circumference was ok, but that he is underweight and small compared to American standards at that same age. When I spoke to the IA Dr. about his “smallness” she said that it was nothing to worry about. “He is just not getting enough calories.” This is something that we can easily change once we get him home. She advised me to keep him on formula longer than “normal” and to make certain to get some good, iron fortified vitamins. She thinks that once our little guy is home he will start to grow like a weed.

I can’t wait!

Nothing new...

No new news on the adoption front. I am planning to email our SW tomorrow though. I really hope that she has some good news for us because I am having a rough week. I am so ready to meet our little guy and wrap my arms around him.

Sigh…

Waiting IS the hardest part.

Happy Birthday...from afar

Today our soon to be son turns one year old. I'm filled with an array of emotions today. Of course if he were already here then today would be a wonderful day filled with lots of giggles and cake. As it is though, I am at work, J is in Charlotte watching the first round of the NCAA tournament, Sherman is at home, and our baby is in an orphanage in Ust-Kamenogorsk, Kazakhstan.

Earlier in the week when I thought about this day I was very sad and filled with self-pity and great sorrow about the fact that our baby is not with us. As I have moved through the week, I have tried to change my attitude somewhat. Instead of focusing on the negative of the situation, I am trying to keep the positives foremost in my thoughts. On this day last year, we did not even know that we would be adopting; we were in the throws of our last IVF cycle. Oh what a difference a year can make! Now we know who he is , where he lives, and that we will be traveling to meet him within the next little while. Wow, now we know we are going to be able to build a family together! That is something that we were not sure of this time last year.

To celebrate this morning I watched his video and sang Happy Birthday to him. Every time that I watch the video I notice something new about him and his surroundings...very cool. I have his little face memorized like only a mother can. I know that he will have changed dramatically when we see him, but I am hopeful that I will know those eyes as soon as I look into them.

Happy Birthday little guy. Mommy and Daddy will be on our way to you as soon as possible.

God Bless you son.

Good News!

Our SW emailed me today with some wonderful news:

I just spoke with S [the Kazakhstan program coordinator for our agency] and she said that your dossier has been translated and is now being sent to the embassy for registration. It will probably take a week or two to get that done. Then you dossier will go to the Minister of Foreign Affairs. This will also take a couple of weeks. We are still looking at waiting another month or so before travel, but I wanted to give you a heads-up.

Woo Hoo! We could be traveling in just a little over a month!! I could be holding my son on Mother's Day!

Oh my gosh, I am SO excited! There is so much to do to get ready to go.

Updated Timeline...again

We received our "updated" I-171H on Monday. When we changed countries from Russia to Kazakhstan we had to get our I-171H updated to reflect that we were going to Kaz and not Russia. We got 5 copies notarized and appostilled today for our dossier and turned them into our agency. One more thing to check off the list!

7.26.04 signed with agency
7.27.04 turned in Homestudy application
7.28.04 mailed I-600A
8.8.04 first homstudy visit
8.23.04 fingerprinted
8.29.04 final homestudy visit
9.2.04 homestudy completed
10.28.04 received I 171H
11.04.04 dossier submitted
2.17.05 received a surprise referral from Kazakhstan
2.24.05 mailed I-824 to switch countries
3.14.05 received updated I-171H
waiting to receive our official approval to adopt from the Kaz government...

Still saying lots of prayers for God to move our paperwork through the Kazak Government swiftly so that we can go and get our little boy!!

Ungrateful...

I am awful. The Lord has blessed me so thoroughly, and yet I am never satisfied. He has blessed J and me with a wonderful baby boy in Kazakhstan, but that isn't enough for me, oh no. I want to have him HERE and NOW! The waiting to go and meet him is awful. I am trying to remain positive and remember that we now have a child, it is just a little bit longer until we can go meet him and bring him home. I should be grateful for so many things, and yet all I seem to be able to do is grumble.

I need to get my attitude right...and quick. I can't serve Him effectively with this attitude.

Updated to do list...

The past few weeks have seen a lot of home improvement work in the Squared household. J painted the dining room a stunning red, as well as put up new chair rail. He painted the living room, entryway and hall a gorgeous coffee ice-cream color. Last but not least, he put down new hardwood floors in the dining room and living room. The house looks awesome and I could not be more thrilled with the way it looks. Now when we bring our little one home, and people come to visit, I won't feel bashful about asking them into my home. It wasn't that I was ashamed before, it was just very vanilla. Now, I feel like I have a home with some real pizazz.

Of course there is one major thing that we have not done yet; we have yet to finish the nursery. We have painted it a lovely light blue, but we have not put up the border or stained the new dresser and bookshelf that we bought. Nor have we assembled the crib. I know that we have time to accomplish these things, but I don't want to be caught at the last minute either. I want some time to enjoy the room all set up and perfect, just like I would have done were I pregnant. The next few weekends are jam packed already, so I think that it will be quite awhile before we are able to finish assembling the nursery. I am hopeful that once that is done, I will enjoy this time before our little one arrives.

Well, a girl can always dream can't she?