I wonder...

Now that I know who our soon to be son is, I often wonder what he is up to throughout the day. He is 10 hours ahead of us, so most times when I am daydreaming about him and his activities, he is in fact sleeping.

I wonder what his schedule is like. Does he get up and immediately get to have breakfast? Or does he have a quiet play time while his caregivers prepare breakfast and get everyone up and ready to start the day? What does he do at play time? Does he like naps or does he just lie there quietly while others sleep? Does he have a “Kaz Mama” in one of his care givers?

Now that he is one, I wonder what they are feeding him. Does he still use a bottle…doubtful from what I have read of others experience’s. The most current measurements we have were taken on February 18 and showed that his head circumference was ok, but that he is underweight and small compared to American standards at that same age. When I spoke to the IA Dr. about his “smallness” she said that it was nothing to worry about. “He is just not getting enough calories.” This is something that we can easily change once we get him home. She advised me to keep him on formula longer than “normal” and to make certain to get some good, iron fortified vitamins. She thinks that once our little guy is home he will start to grow like a weed.

I can’t wait!

Nothing new...

No new news on the adoption front. I am planning to email our SW tomorrow though. I really hope that she has some good news for us because I am having a rough week. I am so ready to meet our little guy and wrap my arms around him.

Sigh…

Waiting IS the hardest part.

Happy Birthday...from afar

Today our soon to be son turns one year old. I'm filled with an array of emotions today. Of course if he were already here then today would be a wonderful day filled with lots of giggles and cake. As it is though, I am at work, J is in Charlotte watching the first round of the NCAA tournament, Sherman is at home, and our baby is in an orphanage in Ust-Kamenogorsk, Kazakhstan.

Earlier in the week when I thought about this day I was very sad and filled with self-pity and great sorrow about the fact that our baby is not with us. As I have moved through the week, I have tried to change my attitude somewhat. Instead of focusing on the negative of the situation, I am trying to keep the positives foremost in my thoughts. On this day last year, we did not even know that we would be adopting; we were in the throws of our last IVF cycle. Oh what a difference a year can make! Now we know who he is , where he lives, and that we will be traveling to meet him within the next little while. Wow, now we know we are going to be able to build a family together! That is something that we were not sure of this time last year.

To celebrate this morning I watched his video and sang Happy Birthday to him. Every time that I watch the video I notice something new about him and his surroundings...very cool. I have his little face memorized like only a mother can. I know that he will have changed dramatically when we see him, but I am hopeful that I will know those eyes as soon as I look into them.

Happy Birthday little guy. Mommy and Daddy will be on our way to you as soon as possible.

God Bless you son.

Good News!

Our SW emailed me today with some wonderful news:

I just spoke with S [the Kazakhstan program coordinator for our agency] and she said that your dossier has been translated and is now being sent to the embassy for registration. It will probably take a week or two to get that done. Then you dossier will go to the Minister of Foreign Affairs. This will also take a couple of weeks. We are still looking at waiting another month or so before travel, but I wanted to give you a heads-up.

Woo Hoo! We could be traveling in just a little over a month!! I could be holding my son on Mother's Day!

Oh my gosh, I am SO excited! There is so much to do to get ready to go.

Updated Timeline...again

We received our "updated" I-171H on Monday. When we changed countries from Russia to Kazakhstan we had to get our I-171H updated to reflect that we were going to Kaz and not Russia. We got 5 copies notarized and appostilled today for our dossier and turned them into our agency. One more thing to check off the list!

7.26.04 signed with agency
7.27.04 turned in Homestudy application
7.28.04 mailed I-600A
8.8.04 first homstudy visit
8.23.04 fingerprinted
8.29.04 final homestudy visit
9.2.04 homestudy completed
10.28.04 received I 171H
11.04.04 dossier submitted
2.17.05 received a surprise referral from Kazakhstan
2.24.05 mailed I-824 to switch countries
3.14.05 received updated I-171H
waiting to receive our official approval to adopt from the Kaz government...

Still saying lots of prayers for God to move our paperwork through the Kazak Government swiftly so that we can go and get our little boy!!

Ungrateful...

I am awful. The Lord has blessed me so thoroughly, and yet I am never satisfied. He has blessed J and me with a wonderful baby boy in Kazakhstan, but that isn't enough for me, oh no. I want to have him HERE and NOW! The waiting to go and meet him is awful. I am trying to remain positive and remember that we now have a child, it is just a little bit longer until we can go meet him and bring him home. I should be grateful for so many things, and yet all I seem to be able to do is grumble.

I need to get my attitude right...and quick. I can't serve Him effectively with this attitude.

Updated to do list...

The past few weeks have seen a lot of home improvement work in the Squared household. J painted the dining room a stunning red, as well as put up new chair rail. He painted the living room, entryway and hall a gorgeous coffee ice-cream color. Last but not least, he put down new hardwood floors in the dining room and living room. The house looks awesome and I could not be more thrilled with the way it looks. Now when we bring our little one home, and people come to visit, I won't feel bashful about asking them into my home. It wasn't that I was ashamed before, it was just very vanilla. Now, I feel like I have a home with some real pizazz.

Of course there is one major thing that we have not done yet; we have yet to finish the nursery. We have painted it a lovely light blue, but we have not put up the border or stained the new dresser and bookshelf that we bought. Nor have we assembled the crib. I know that we have time to accomplish these things, but I don't want to be caught at the last minute either. I want some time to enjoy the room all set up and perfect, just like I would have done were I pregnant. The next few weekends are jam packed already, so I think that it will be quite awhile before we are able to finish assembling the nursery. I am hopeful that once that is done, I will enjoy this time before our little one arrives.

Well, a girl can always dream can't she?

Step by step...

This is a fairly concise summary of the adoption process in Kaz courtesy of the US Embassy's adoption webpage.

"U.S. citizens hoping to adopt a Kazakhstani child begin this endeavor in the U. S. Once prospective adoptive parents are cleared for adoption in their home state, and have completed processing with the U. S. Citizenship and Immigration Services (Form I-600A), the next step is to register with the Ministry of Foreign Affairs (MFA) to indicate intention to adopt a Kazakhstani orphan. An adoption agent normally assists with this registration by submitting the file of documents ("the dossier") to the Kazakhstani Embassy or Consulate in the U. S. The Kazakhstani Embassy then transfers the dossier to the MFA in Astana for processing, which sends it to the Ministry of Education in Astana for review, which forwards the file to the Guardianship Body in the town where the parents wish to adopt. The length of dossier processing is unpredictable.

Once the dossier has cleared each stage and the parents have cleared a final security check, the Guardianship Body will then issue a letter inviting the parents to travel to Kazakhstan to apply for adoption. This letter is necessary for the parents to obtain a Kazakhstani visa, and after obtaining the visas the parents are free to travel to Kazakhstan to proceed with their petition for adoption."

Updated Timeline...

The updates to our timeline are in bold below:

7.26.04 signed with agency
7.27.04 turned in Homestudy application
7.28.04 mailed I-600A
8.8.04 first homstudy visit
8.23.04 fingerprinted
8.29.04 final homestudy visit
9.2.04 homestudy completed
10.28.04 received I 171H
11.04.04 dossier submitted
2.17.05 received a surprise referral from Kazakhstan
2.24.05 mailed I-824 to switch countries
waiting to receive our official approval to adopt from the Kaz government...

Saying lots of prayers for God to move our paperwork through the Kazak Government swiftly so that we can go and get our little boy!!

God's Perfect Plan

I don't know when or where I found this poem. It has been stuck to our refrigerator for the past several months. Like so many things that are hanging on our refrigerator, it has been ignored and it has hung there unread for many months. Well, that changed this weekend.

J and I have been working on some major home improvements the past few weeks. The latest is that we are putting in hardwood floors in the living and dining rooms. Ok, let me clarify, J has been putting in the floors. I watch and act as the gofer. The couch was moved into the kitchen while the improvements are being made. Right into the middle of the kitchen. Because of this optimal placement, every time that I walked between the couch and the fridge I knocked the poem off of the door. I must have picked it up 20 times last weekend without ever reading it. Finally, on the 21st time of stopping to pick it up and put back on the door I stopped to read what it had to say. I was moved to tears. It is so accurate. I want to have it either made as a cross-stitch or done in calligraphy for the nursery.

God's Perfect Plan

The angels looking down from heaven saw the woman start to cry,

Saw her heart breaking once again, saw her husband deeply sigh.

The angels each could feel their pain from way up in the sky.

Must they always have such heartache? The angels wondered why.

So they approached the Heavenly Father and asked him to explain

Why a loving, faithful couple must endure such hurt and pain.

For they only want a child to love, to share their lives and dreams,

The Father gently told them "All is not quite as it seems".

"You see, there is a child for them, I've picked the perfect one,

Their hopes and dreams will be fulfilled one day through adoption".

"This child will not be born to them, yet together they will be,

Soon joined in love and happiness, finally a family".

Then the angels sang a song of joy for the Father helped them see

God's plans include such special ways to make a family.

-unknown

We are jumping!

We accepted the referral! Woo Hoo!! It is still a little surreal for both J and me. We are going to be parents!

I am totally blown away at the love that I already feel for this child. I mean, I have never met him and all I have is an incredibly out of date video, but it is as if he has been in my heart forever. I guess he has been in my heart forever because I've always wanted children. I guess that this feeling is somewhat like what a pregnant woman feels. You feel love for a child that you have never "really" seen and certainly have never held.

He was born on March 18, 2004 in Kazakhstan. He was 8.5 lbs. and 20.4 inches long.

I pray that he will be home with us very soon.

So now what?

Our SW called late last week and she had another referral for us...from another country. When she called and told J and me the details, we both became excited. As we watched the video and reviewed the medical, we started to believe that perhaps this was going happen for us after all.

The only real problem that J and I have with the information that was provided to us, is that it is all from when the child was 2 months old, he is now 11 months old. That is a large amount of time with no information. We don't feel that we need another video, but we would like some more information about the child's health in the intervening months. I sent the information and a copy of the video to our IA Doctor on Friday and they received the package this morning. So now we wait to hear what they have to say.

I know what I want them to say to us. "He looks very healthy for a 2 month old, and all will be just fine. Go forward with confidence!" However, they are more likely to say that without further measurements, they can't really say much. We have already requested more measurements from our agency, but they have to come from halfway around the world, and things don't always move very quickly.

We are very hopeful, and for that I am very grateful. Hope is usually the first thing to go when we are faced with difficult situations, and that has certainly been true for me and J and our adoption. I've been praying and asking for the Lord to make it clear to us whether we should take that "leap of faith" that they talk about in international adoption, or if we need to hang back just now. He'll show us, we just need to be open to hearing what He has to say.

Accepting Nyet...

In order for me to move forward, must I first be able to accept that the answer may be no? Let me explain.

J and I had a very difficult day yesterday. We received a referral for a 20 month old little boy. Our age range has always been "as young as possible" which seems to be a moving target in Russia these days. Our social worker called and explained that she had a potential referral for us, but that he was out of our age range. She asked if we were interested in pursuing the referral? J and I needed to discuss it before we went any further, as 20 months was significantly older than what we have been envisioning.

After a lot of discussion and tears we decided that at this time we are not prepared to accept a child that will likely be 2+ when they arrive home with us. Last night at the dinner table we were discussing what exactly are we prepared to accept? Within that discussion arose a question that has surfaced many times during our years of ttc. Are we prepared to accept that the final answer from God may be that we are not to have children? It isn't the answer that J wants, however he is willing to accept it, should that be God's final answer. Simply put, I am in no way prepared for that answer. In fact, whenever I try to deal with that possibility I can hardly breath.

Over the years, I've tried to deal with that possibility...to accept that it may indeed be where we end up. However, every time I have tried to accept it, I end up an emotional mess. Last spring was the last time I tried to deal with it. I cried on my way to work for two weeks. I can't live like that.

So, here I am again. Wondering if in order for us to move forward, must I accept that this may NOT end in a child for us? Why should I accept something that may not even happen? Why waste all of the energy and emotion on something that may never come to pass? Then again, how much harder will it be for me to accept that answer if it is where we end up?

This is so exhausting.

Hope Springs Eternal...I guess

As J and I were finishing our scrumptious dinner of baked lobster tails, sea scallops and sauteed spinach last night, we had the following conversation:

J: I guess that I was kind of hoping that you were pregnant this month.

Me: What?

J: I mean because of all of the bad news this month in regards to our adoption. I was just hoping that maybe that was the reason that everything seems to be moving so slowly.

Me: Wow. I'm floored that you still think that we can get pregnant. After all we've been through, I thought that we both kind of felt like that (getting pregnant naturally) was just not meant to be for us.

J: I know. I was just hoping that maybe we would be that illusive couple that "started to adopt and bam, they're pregnant!"

Hope does spring eternal that we will somehow overcome the odds that seem to be against us for growing a family together. We will do it one way or the other.

To do list...

I'm having a hard time right now. I want to know WHEN will everything in Russia be resolved and more importantly when will my adoption be complete? I know that I need to throw myself into other areas of my life but I am so totally consumed that I find it hard to think of anything else, much less act on it. Here are the things that I need to work on to pass the time right now...

1. J and I are planning to install hardwood floors in our home and I need to get off my duff and get started on that project.

2. We are also planning to paint the living room and dining room. I need to buy the paint for the living room and choose the color for the dining room.

3. My best friend, S, is getting married in May. J and I (and another couple) are planning on giving her and her fiance an "Around the House" shower in April. I have SO much to do to get this party in gear, and I have done nothing!

4. J and I also need to finish the nursery. We have painted, but that is about it. The crib arrived two months earlier than expected, but it is just sitting on the floor of the nursery still in the shipping package. We have bought the border that we want to use and we have also ordered the baby's dresser and a bookcase that needs to be stained. So we have taken some small steps to get the room ready, but now I am paralyzed with fear about moving forward on this project. What if we complete the nursery and then things go completely awry... I can't even finish the thought.

5. Have faith that this is the right path for us to grow our family and believe it with all the fiber of my being.

Ok, I can do this.

And we're off...like a herd of turtles.

Our Baby Boy...

This may come as somewhat of a surprise, but J and I already have a baby. He weighs about twenty pounds, sheds all over the place and he loves to eat anything and everything we give him, except grapefruit. He hates grapefruit. He will be nine in March and he is absolutely the light of our lives. He is a Jack Russell Terrier named Sherman.

The way that Sherman came to be a member of our family was a little unusual. He was given to us in late May 1996 as our first wedding present. We weren't getting married until September of that year, so the gift was a little early, but what a gift! When my friend asked me to come to her farm one evening to meet the litter of pups she had, I was happy to oblige. I love dogs of all breeds and mixes and love to cuddle with a puppy whenever I get the chance. In fact, one of my favorite smells is puppy breath. You know that smell that all pups have when they are eating Puppy Chow? Anyway, so I went and played with them all. There was one inparticular that continued to chew on my shoelaces, so he received the most attention, as I was always picking him up in an attempt to distract him from my laces. When I got ready to go, my friend quietly asked me if J and I would be interested in having the lace obsessed pup as a wedding present. I was floored. As it turns out, he was the only one that had not been sold yet. It was as if he knew he needed to "sell" himself or he would have to stay on the farm with his mom, who was none to happy about having puppies in the first place. J and I had just graduated from college and were living with our parents until we got married and J started his new job in another city that was about 2 hours away. I told her I would have to talk to J about it, and would let her know.

The next day, I decided that the best way to get J to say yes to owning a puppy before we were married, was to allow him to meet the puppy. So I swung by the farm and picked-up the puppy. I showed up at J's house that evening with the puppy in toe. Once J saw that face and heard that sweet little bark, he couldn't say no.

We are both so glad that Sherman is a part of our lives, now more than ever. As we wait for the time when we will be able to add another member to our family, Sherman continues to just be himself...his loving, spazzy, barky self. As anxious as I am to grow our family and to add another baby to the mix, I know that Sherman will always be our first baby.

Sherman, thank you for always greeting us with a bark and a wag. Mommy and Daddy love you!


Sherman 2004

Ch Ch Ch Changes...

There have been so many changes in the adoption process since our Dossier was submitted to our agency in November 2004. A week after we learned that we were number one on the infant boy list, everything ground to a halt. The MOE stopped issuing the databank letters on December 7 to all agencies that are not currently accredited. Our agency's accreditation expired in September and they have applied for reaccreditation, but due to new laws, no agency has been reaccredited since August of 2004. Some regions are continuing to work with our agency despite the accreditation issues and some are not. It is at the discretion of the local MOE. Then the Duma passed new laws in late December, changing the required time that a child is to be on the National Registry. Previously a child was required to spend 1 month on the Local Registry, two months on the Regional Registry and three months on the National Registry. Therefore making the youngest age possible, at time of referral, six months. With the new law stating that all children must be on the National Registry for a minimum of six months the youngest available referral is now nine months. The big pain now is that all of the children that were about to come off of the registry – and could have been referred to us – are all being required to spend another three months on the registry. So we continue to wait.

In the grand scheme of life this is not a lot of time, three months. It’s just really frustrating that we were RIGHT THERE! J and I were all primed to meet our little one before Christmas. We even got so giddy that we started working on the nursery over Thanksgiving. As a couple that has suffered from IF, and never had a positive pregnancy test, we are both really gun-shy about doing anything too early. However, we thought that we would be meeting our child in the very near future and we wanted their room to be all ready for them should things move at a breakneck pace. In retrospect, what a laugh! We have been number one on the infant boy list now for well over two months, and we have not seen one referral.

I know, I know. All in God's time. I just wish that he would hurry up a little bit.

Timeline...

My husband and I are in the process of adopting a child from Russia. We have been ttc since September 2000. This journal isn't really about our struggle with IF, but it may come up from time to time, so bare with me. Anyway, we officially decided to adopt internationally in June 2004. At this time we are waiting for a referral of either an infant boy or girl.

I would like to use this blog as a way to journal our experience and to keep myself occupied while we wait for the realization of the dream that we have carried together for so long. Following is our current timeline. I hope to be updating it very soon!

7.26.04 signed with agency
7.27.04 turned in Homestudy application
7.28.04 mailed I-600A
8.8.04 first homstudy visit
8.23.04 fingerprinted
8.29.04 final homestudy visit
9.2.04 homestudy completed
10.28.04 received I 171H
11.04.04 dossier submitted
waiting for the phone to ring...